ONE! Thats right one!

I am so sorry. It has been a while since I have updated. ALOT has gone on in the last few months. I am currently trying to figure out my path in life! I am seriously considering going to school for social work or special education. I have been having a great last few months though. I am for the first time in my life really content and just happy. It is really nice. I am also for the first time in a very long time on only one medication. ONE! That is right! ONE medication. It feels great to be stable and yet not numbed out by crazy amount of medications i am usually on:)  Wow the life of a bi-polar person is fun. Average (what ever that is) people have no clue they wake up and for the most part like 'hmmm' I am feeling good or I am feeling bad' today. I wake up and I am like 'Wow i am really good today...wow this just went down the toilet real fast... and all because i sneezed!' lol OK maybe not that bad all the time. I have been trying to have a positive attitude in life right now. I think its a huge contribution to how I feel. Who knew? the power of positive thinking.

Life

I was told by a close friend that my blog ids good but that i need to share real reactions to real life situations.

so here is one.
One day my mother asked me to clean the bathroom. I started but then I realized how nasty it felt to me. So i took EVERYTHING out. I completely scrubbed the bath room from floor to ceiling with bleach. I scrubbed inside cupboards and it was still no enough i decided to paint it and re decorate. Once i get started on something like that I CAN NOT STOP. Then I get overwhelmed and freaked out that i can't finish it. I cry and completely freak out. I scream and cry and then i am mad about why i am freaking out and then i can't verbalize why i am mad. It so frustrating. Because I really can't verbalize it. I try and it just end up making me feel stupid. real life for you guys.


Here's an everyday thing for you guys. I will be sitting watching TV and someone asks me to do something. they sound a little bit frustrated at me so I snap. This is bi-polar its a real life thing for me it day to day life.

"I Feel Pretty / Unpretty"

Most day this is how i feel. Most days i look in the baathroom mirrior and say wow my eyes are beautifulm my hair looks great. Then i change my clothes. I see someone who isn't skinny enough. My hips are wide my stomach is way to big. Alot of woman feels this way. They pick the things they like about them self then critisize what they dont. This is how it feel to be bi-polar. Your mind is a beautiful place. I am creative, smart, funny. Then I think wow I wish I could think the way that person does. I wish i wasnt emotional and disgrace. Well it is also my biggest honor to have. Well its how i currently think. That could all change in a moment. ( ha ha) Being bi-polar has some great positives too. For a few you feel things on a more pasionet level then others can imagine. every emotion is magnified.  Perspective on emotions. What goes up, must come down, and back up again. Viewing life and issues from both ends makes me more philosophical about the meaning of things.Depth of experience. You’ll not meet more experienced, well-rounded, people. All and all bi-polar can be a great asset.

How I Feel Most The Time

Today I had a counseling appointment for the first time is 8 months. I was so scared I have had a lot go done in the last 8 months and a lot of it wasn’t good. I did a bunch of thing I regret. You know when you do something stupid and you know it was stupid. Well sometimes I do things out of impulse and then 10 minutes later go why did I do that. Well that apart of being bipolar. I know i said a few sentences earlier in another blog but I want to expand a little on that. Bipolar or manic depressive has a few sides to it. One you can either have mostly low or two you can have mostly highs. Well being super depressed is not fun you think bad think you don’t want to get out of bed, you get snappy and overall you just don’t feel like living. I feel like this sometimes. Most other times I feel on top of the world. Sounds fun right. WRONG! It’s bad. When someone get manic (more often then depressed) you kind of think your a cat with nione lives. It's bad. I think of all the things that are bad for me and am like ‘hey I can do this because it won’t hurt me’.  It’s like having ADHD x 5 while being depressed.   

Nervously Excited

I  am going to college in one month. I am super scared yet super excited. I leave August 15 scary business.

The Things I Hate

Living with Bipolar isn't easy for anyone including family and friends. For instance sometimes I do things with out thinking. It’s ridiculous because I hate that I do things with out thinking. Then I regret them when it’s already to late. Another that I hate about being Bipolar is all the meds I take. I mean I could start my own pharmacy here, and I am not even joking. I take 16 medications to help myself be stable. But hey if it works it works. There are always bad day for me. Don’t get me wrong there are also good ones. My life is like a really really good roller coaster. You go to Disney lane to get on this awesome roller coaster then you wait in line for three hours then you get on and have the biggest scare of your life and get off crying and sea sick. That is what my everyday life is for me! I found a really good song that describes what its like for me! Day to day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RbeszkHT48&feature=player_embedded#at=78

My life sentence

OK guys here id the clinical definition of bi polar.

Bipolar disorder — sometimes called manic-depressive disorder — causes mood swings that range from of the lows of depression to the highs of mania. When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts in the other direction, you may feel euphoric and full of energy. Mood shifts may only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time.

For me my day to day life consist of several mood swings a day. I know right? Its extremely frustrating. One minute I am fine and the next minute I am freaking out about nothing important. It day to day life for me.